Strong Girl

Strong Girl
It's time to move on girl
Dont try to stay
Just walk away
You are strong Girl
Dont bend your knees girl
Dont count your tears
And cry yourself to sleep
It's time to be strong
And move on.

Sweet Girl
You are sweet girl
Dont harden your soft heart
Dont miss this fresh start
You are sweet girl
Just love who you are
And open your arms
Your future's not far
Sweet girl
Smile at life
And embrace this new sight

Free girl
Its time to be free girl
Spread out your wings
Breath the life that it brings
Run fast and run strong
Dont look back long
You are free girl
You are ready to fly girl
Step off the ledge
Don't be fooled by the dread
Just set yourself free girl
Let go of it all
And let yourself fall

Strong Girl
Youve moved on girl
Its time to see
Who youre suppose to be
No more hiding in fear
Or counting your tears
Love who you are
Because you are who you are
And thats all you can be
So stand up strong
And set your self free

Not in control

I've realized this past week that i am really not in control of my life. That I am only responsible for what has been placed in my hands. The question is what do I do with the great beautiful things I have been given.

It boils down to the day to day, the conversations, the time spent, the friendships recognized and enjoyed. It all boils down to that. It involves just doing what you love and watching life being born out of it. It entails you just walking forward in who you are with the people you are around and watching miracles happen.

By just being, God has suddenly poured a well spring life and friends, and new opportunities into my lap! I am so overwhelmed and amazed. I see now that my life is really not my own, that i can only do so much.

Its a beautiful, wonderful peace giving thought. And yet still a weighty repsonisiblity.

Someone said to me the other day, life is not accepting the goodness of God but still waiting for the culmination of your dreams to happen. Life is accepting the goodness of God and being content in the season you are in. There is no better time than now, than today, than this second. And there is nothing better than to enjoy the people, the places, the circumstances that surround you in this moment. This is life! grab ahold!!!

Growing up

its time to grow up.
to stop looking, longing for childish desires
its time to grow up
to no longer look to you nor you nor you
for who i am, or who i should be or want to be or try to be
its time to grow up
to be the woman i long to be
strong
secure
and seeking the One who gives me all my worth
its time to grow up
move on
past all these childish desires
i will grow up
by breaking down my insecurities
letting go
giving in to unknown
and accepting peace in what i can not control
its time to grow up
move on
and let go of all i use to long for

Waves

it comes and goes like waves
yesterday i was ok
today...
today is a different wave...
a wave that will recede
only to return again another day
today... today was a day
with the waves that overcame
overtook
washed me away
into memories
today was a wave
tomorrow it will recede
how long will i stand in this tide
of letting go
and remembering?

Who knew hand-me-downs came in such great packages

OH my gosh! I can't tell you how excited I am!!!!!! I am now the proud owner of a Mini Ipod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This just goes to show you the grace of God! (and that He really does care about the small details in our lives)

I have been really wanting an Ipod lately. I don't listen to much music because I don't have a way too, and I almost bought one this summer, but i refrained because it isn't a NEED and I didn't have the money.
so i was a good girl and didn't buy one...

Last night I was hanging out with BFF Kelli again, because she is fabulous and fun! She was sad because she didn't get the Broadway show she wanted. (she had just auditioned for Spring Awakening--one of the best new musicals on Broadway right now!-- It was her THIRD audition for them.)

On the upside, they may want her for the national tour, BUT she was still sad. AND I was sad/happy because I have finally taken the hardest step of my life and stopped all communication with my ex-boyfriend, who I was ridiculously in love with.... but it wasn't reciprocated. And I kept getting hurt and hurt and hurt, because he didn't know what he wanted, and so he kept me around as a "Friend" while i still held onto hope, and he continued to look for better options. (basically is was soo hard and unhealthy on me and I finally could not take it any more) BUT i cant be with someone who doesn't love, adore, and desire me for who I am... flaws and all...

so last night was our sad/celebration night, and we commemorated the night by plopping down in front of her tv, ordering sushi and watching Law and Order and then a delightful episode of Flight of the Concords. (which everyone needs to see) It was fantastic.

Oh, did i mention she is living in a friends apt.

so we are chilling in the apt and i notice an unopened mini ipod sitting on the table. I laughed and mentioned it. Kelli said, ya, they get tons of free stuff and they probably didn't even want it. I was like, "Oh! I so want an ipod" not thinking anything of it.

well later that night, Kelli gets a call from her boyfriend and then all of a sudden tosses the ipod at me. i laughed thinking it was joke. but she said no. she asked her boyfriend and he asked their friend if i could have it. They said YES!

i was soooooooo floored. i am sooooooo happy. Kelli didn't have to do that. but she did and i am so blown away. she is so kind.

so now i have a sweet mini ipod!!!!!!!!!!!!! its hot and black!!!! yay!!!

THANKS TAYE!

Winter's Ice Cream

ahhh... sometimes i laugh at the ridiculousness of what i enjoy in life.

last night i met up with bff kelli and we had a venting session, then we proceeded to journey onward towards ice cream and in the end settled for coffee from starbucks.

yes, i know what you are thinking. coffee is a looong way off from ice cream. in my book they are like mortal enemies.

but at the right moment, coffee can be just as soul satisfyingly good, and a world of calories less, than ice cream (unless its tasti delight, but kelli wont eat it)

as we sipped our sweet frothy steaming cups of joe, we concluded that perhaps coffee is the ice cream of winter. and decided we were brilliant marketers and are bound to make our fortune as advertising gurus.

but if that fails, kelli is still sure to be rich and famous and... well.. i am sure to still be her friend... or at least her stalker.

we concluded the night with probably one of the most beautifully random shows i have ever seen.(ranking up there with Aqua Teen Hunger Force and The Office)
Flight of the Concords.

if you havent seen it. you must find a way to. its AMAZING. i realize that too few people enjoy the humor i love...random, quircky, intelligent. lol... but for those of you who can enjoy... enjoy... and laugh.

Mourning

Yesterday a part of me died

Today I mourn.

Tomorrow I am reborn.


--longing for tomorrow.

Thought I would start a blog.

I figure, everyone else is doing it. why shouldn't I?!

Actually, the truth is, I am yet again seated in front of a computer with NOTHING to do. I am not complaining because I am getting paid for it. Paid quite well, I might add. But money doesn't eliminate the boredom that quickly sets in, and soon the food munching that follows. (I try to avoid that last part, but I think I have an oral fixation. which would explain my need to chew large quantities of gum.) Sugar free Extra if you must know.

Today I am at another Investment company. Only this time it is a satellite office. What does that mean you ask? It means that I have even less to do than at a normal office. with the plus side being i dont have to wear a business suit.

speaking of business suits. let me tell you two stories:

1. I had a job two weeks ago, where i was told to wear a suit to work. (Background: I work for a temping agency, and I am given a new job every day or week or so. Thus the word temp stands for "temporary")
Anyways, i was told to wear a suit because apparently a girl had come in a week before me with a jean skirt on and tennis shoes. NOT acceptable attire for a financial firm. But this posed a huge problem on me: I don't own a suit. I did buy a white suit from Banana Republic earlier in the summer because I thought, "I might need a suit one day". But when i put it on at home, i realized that my boobs just weren't quite mature enough to fill out the ample chest room in the coat. So I had to return it.

suddenly i was faced with a moment where i did need a suit..and i was without. Now, money is tight as it is, so going and buying a suit wasn't really an option for me. So I decided to go try to find a nice black suit coat. Thanks be to End of Summer Sales, I found a beautiful, fitted black suit coat at BR, that was on sale. Still a bit pricey, but affordable. I bought it, and it went perfectly with a pair of black slacks i had. I threw a white collared shirt under that sucker and viola! A suit!

Well, I proudly wore my suit to work at the new job, but as I surveyed the world around me in the office, I noticed. NO ONE WAS WEARING A SUIT. Just me. How sweet.

"Oh well" i thought. Tomorrow I will just dress down a little. And I would have, if it wasn't for the tiny, type "A", HR lady who came up to me at the end of the day.
"Tomorrow I need you to wear a GOOD suit," she said with a bit of disdain. "Not that THAT is not a good suit. You just need to wear a good suit."

I was so taken aback because, no one, not even she, was wearing a suit. And i couldn't fathom what she meant about a good suit. How could you get any better than a basic black suit???

I explained that i didn't have another suit. She said, "oh, well then wear another shirt under that one, or just be modest and professional."

I left in total disgust, but determined not to let her down. I borrowed my roommates skirt suit for the next day, and arrived promptly at work. Once again (and to my horror) as i surveyed the room, NO ONE WAS WEARING A SUIT. not even the HR lady!

I even asked the other receptionist, if they told her to wear a suit. "No! why?" she asked.
I explained what they had told me and she was just as shocked as I was. "how strange"

How strange indeed! I was not the happiest of campers to say the least. Not that i don't like suits, or feel powerful and womanly in them.. but well... it was just the rudeness and pretentious attitude it was delivered in that got under my skin. Oh well. In the end they liked me and said they would ask for me again. Not that I am entirely sure I want to ever go back.

Not that i am bitter or anything.

2. My other suit story happened last Thursday. I wore my suit again to a job, because i think it looks good. But by the end of the day i was a bit tired and disheveled. I ran to catch the train and as i slipped on, a homeless man was standing in the doorway. As i pushed passed him, he said "HELLO" abnormally loudly. I didn't respond, because a woman learns quickly in New York, that you can not entertain a homeless man's fancy. It is not charity.

So yes, i ignored the hello. He said it again so all the train could hear. Then as he stepped off the train and just before the trains closed, he yelled out to the entire train car. "There are lesbians in your apartments!. Watch out. There are LESBIANS in your apartments!" as he stared me down i felt my face burning.

I wanted to yell out, "I am not a lesbian! I promise! I like boys!" But I knew that would only feed the reaction he was hoping for. And really, who do i need to defend myself from? I don't know these people. they don't know me. But i realized that perhaps, i did look a little boyish... with my black pants suit on, and my jet black hair. Plus, i looked a little disheveled... but still... i felt so gross... and so out casted. how did this man do this. and i felt for a moment what women must feel if they look even slightly masculine... and even then, its all stereotypes...

Regardless. my suit has not provided my any joy. I think I will retire it until it is absolutely necessary to wear it again. and even then i may have some trepidation over putting on.

Transparency

Ive gotten critisized for being too transparent... mostly because they didnt want to know what i really was. instead, they were content to have a euphoric image of me... an image than in every sense was a false understanding of who i truly am

i realize i take a sort of pride in being open. not a selfish pride, but i consider it my gift to the world, to tell and explain, and regurgetate why i am the way i am and how many silly foolish things i have done, do and continue to do...

i feel that mistakes are part of the essence of life, and if we try to cover up what makes us who we truly are then we are presneting this false image and in turn, lieing to alll those around...

perhaps lying is a bit harsh, but i assume that someone who doesnt open up about faults is either ashamed or too proud to let the world know..

i know there are those who tell all, about their struggles in hopes for some twisted manipulated sympathy... but i dont do it for that.... quite the opposite... i tell mine in a hopes that someon will feel more free to be free... to make mistakes and know that they are surrmountable.. i do it to help others... to open the eyes of someone and allow them to breath easier...

but its hard when someone wants you to be perfect... because i am not... by no means... and i am struggling in my own heart to hold onto my faultyess, and not try to hooed wink the world into thinking that i am better than i am...

i dont like that... leaves a bad taste in my mouth..

no no... so to all the world, i am so imperfect... i am so flawed... i am so foolish...
so selfish still and yet my heart is big, i promise. and i am trying everyday... but whos to say when i will get it right or if i ever will.